Mon, Wed, and Thurs were 30 minutes on the treadmill, and I jogged for 30 seconds on Thursday!
Tuesday was my Zumba class, which was fun, and Friday was a workout with a trainer, who showed me all these great exercises that use my legs, arms, and core/abs all at once, for the most efficient exercising. Of course he then tried to sell me sessions, but I managed to wiggle out of that and schedule the next one of my mini package instead.
HOWEVER...I have bad news in bandland...dun dun da da!!!
On the one hand, I feel like I made a huge push in accepting my band and this weight loss journey. I wrote this on Thursday, about my Wednesday night:
So I was just thinking about things and about how clothes were fitting...It looks like I won't be able to wear size 20s for much longer, so I'll be fully in 18s and starting to squeeze into 16s...could be as close as 30 lbs away...so I was thinking, if I keep losing weight, regardless of the pace (and it does seem really slow!) eventually, if I hit 150 lbs, my goal weight, what size would I be - an 8? a 6? And I laughed to myself, as if that would ever happen, but then I realized something for the first time - it would happen! I would do it this time! There is no going back, there is only going forward, whether it is a crawl or a race. For the first time in my life, I realized that I would be able to lose weight, not for a few months only to gain it back but forever!
Great, huh?
Yeah, well...yesterday, I got out of work a few hours early. I had a break of time, and it was freezing cold...I had somewhere to be at 7.30, and if I went somewhere, I'd have to come back, in the cold, etc...so I went across the street to McDonalds. Then I went to the Chinese restaurant next door. Then I went to the cupcake bakery that I talked about...!!! I ate:
McDonald's Mighty Kids meal with a small orange drink that I did drink before I ate, 6 nuggets with bbq sauce, and a small fry.
one shrimp spring roll & one shrimp egg roll, with mustard and duck sauce
one cup early grey tea with milk, and 1/2 of a fleur de del cupcake.
WTF? I was so happy with myself, with my progress, with my plan! Why do I sabotage myself, not out of hunger, but out of pure boredom? This was a pure, old fashioned binge. Much less food than I would have done pre-band, but still, WTF?!
I went to a Jewish meditation workshop and Shabbat dinner after that, and while we were doing meditation exercises, I realized that I need to be kind to myself, to by good to myself. To appreciate all the changes that I have made in that direction already. That I needed to forgive myself for that day's behavior and move on to a new day...
EDIT:More about binge eating, and a kind of response to the comments on this post:
I think the first important thing, at least for me, to to be honest about it...this is a difference for me, that I NEVER would have told anyone - and I do consider my bloggy friends to be someone! - about how much and what I ate. I talked to my best friend earlier today, and I asked her if she thought I had some disordered eating, if she thought I binged...and she told she did. She's known me for years and never called me out on it, I think because she knew I wouldn't respond well until I was ready to deal with the issue. Which I am now. She did say that she thought a lot of people have issues with binging to various extents, and that it was good that I was ready to address it. I asked her if she thought I would benefit from therapy (I really respect her opinions and she knows me really, really well.) and she said that while I probably would, she thought I was making enormous progress on my own. She's been reading my blog, and said she was really proud of me for being so honest (and the honesty is really with myself, because despite the fun and comradary of all of my readers, facing the issues that made us so fat is ultimately something we each have to do ourselves) and picking apart my rationalizing and excuses.
So I am definitely trying to figure out why I do what I do. Therapy would be a great option, but isn't viable right now - no mental health benefits on my insurance and at $250-ish per session too expensive. Although if anyone knows someone good in NY, please do let me know! So I try to be my own shrink.
One thing I do is practicing two things I learned from therapy in the past( I had established that when I overeat it is almost always self medication from stress):
1. What are you trying not to think about?
2. What is the worst outcome if what you are worried about comes to pass. Visualize it. Then you don't have to run away from it.
This is a good theory, but it doesn't always apply, certainly not to yesterday. i wasn't stressed. Then I try to think about why I ate what I am unhappy with. Sometimes it is convenience, sometimes it is frustration, sometimes it is boredom. I know I would have been better off going to the gym! But I ate some stuff instead. It was a bandster binge - didn't hurt me in the sense of stuffing food in - remember I left half of my delicious cupcake! I also recognized that I enjoyed it much more when it wasn't part of a binge, when I was ok with eating it, instead of feeling furtive about it...
Another way was that it was some sort of sick "reward"...I had completed my five day exercise challenge, I had a great workout that morning, I was heading into the weekend...I was in a great mood...why do this? It didn't make me happy. It made me feel sad. Initially I thought about going to get a massage, but thought that would be too expensive and I am trying to save money! So this was a little cheap "splurge"...but it is very expensive! Expense isn't just money! Just because it is cold or raining is no excuse to eat crap that isn't planned or well considered. Any one of the things I ate are not "bad", and I could eat any of them, as long as they were part of what i ate that day...it was the "eat, eat, eat" nature of the event that was unhealthy.
I will continue to consider these issues and see what I can do to deal with it...I have tried going to Overeaters Anonymous in the past, and haven't found it helpful. Other constructive advice is always welcome.
Eating, on Friday
9.00 1 hour workout with trainer
11.45
Turkey sandwitch on toasted seven grain bread with brie (small amount) cucumbers and honey mustard. 100 calorie bag of pop chips.
I had a tiny pb about 1/4 of the way into the sandwich and realized I was eating too fast. I slowed down and felt great afterward. I have heard bandster write about that happening, and can't imagine it's good on a regular basis!
4.30
McDonald's Mighty Kids meal with a small orange drink that I did drink before I ate, 6 nuggets with bbq sauce, and a small fry.
One shrimp spring roll, one shrimp egg roll, with mustard and duck sauce
one cup early grey tea with milk, and 1/2 of a fleur de del cupcake.
8 pm
one grape
one cup of oj
a few bites each of pasta salad with sundried tomatoes, home-made pad thai, rice and dal.
a small brownie.
Yana, please take this in the spirit of love that it is meant. I am worried about your binge eating. Have you ever seen anyone for this? I have been reading your posts about binging while alone for a while now and I just wondered if it is something that you have talked to a therapist about. If it were just a post band issue I would say "ok, you are missing food and having some cravings" but it seems that it was pre band as well. I just want you to be successful with your band, happy and healthy.
ReplyDeleteSo I was going to comfort you and tell you that I too, fell victim to the Chicken McNuggets this week, but after reading Southern Belle's comment, I am leaning towards agreeing with her.
ReplyDeleteI went out to the McDonalds website and investigated about my arch-nemisis, the Chicken McNugget. 6 of them have 280 calories. Since I don't really have restriction at this point I am keeping my calorie count at 1100 and counting every bite. Some days are quite a bit lower but I give myself that much because sometimes (most days) its really hard to not snack. I think had I held out much longer on this craving for McNuggets, I would have seriously derailed and ended up binging like a maniac at the McDonalds Drive Thru.
Is it possible that what is happening to you is that you are letting your cravings get out of control and then when you are bored you are succumbing to them? Let's say that you feel that McDonalds, cupcakes, and Chinese food are these terrible foods that you should say no to...they logically will become your go-to food when you're bored. At least that has been my own M.O. on every diet pre-band.
If you let yourself enjoy them outside of a boredom binge, maybe you could control it better when you get to boredom the next time. I think you should allow yourself a spring roll (for as long as those of us without a lot of restriction can eat them) or Chicken McNuggets as long as they are planned in your day. Because what matters is that you are making promises to yourself and keeping them - not that you are only eating "good" food.
I am sure lots of other people will disagree with me but I embrace the bad food with the good. To me, its what makes the band different from a diet. I hope that you can find a way that works for you to stop the binging because when you do finally have restriction, it is going to be painful (at least that's my understanding of how it works) and you'll be running the risk of stretching your pouch and slipping your band.
Hi Yana,
ReplyDeleteIt is so so hard when we find ourselves throwing out progress in the name of a cheap/quick thrill. I have managed to conquer the major binges, but some of the gain I experienced last weekend was eating things I knew I didn't need, knew I wasn't hungry for, because I just wanted them. Wanted to be naughty.
I'm with TracyZ - there are no taboo foods for me. I eat McDonalds every two weeks or so, but what I tend to manage is 3 out of 4 chicken nuggets, white milk (drank before, of course) and either 2 or 3 fries or some of the apple dippers. I feel a bit like a toddler, but it satisifies a craving so it doesn't turn into something bigger.
I feel like it's important for you to conquer this while you are still not too restricted, because trying these things with a higher restriction level will at least hurt, and at worse, just like Tracy said, cause damage.
Strength and heart!
xo
It is easy to fall into our old habits before we have restriction. Not sure if it is in my head or not, but I do feel different after my first fill. The main things you need to remind yourself about is "being kind to yourself and not hurting yourself". If you keep up the binge behavior after you get restricted you can really physically hurt yourself. Band erosion or enlarging the pouch which will lead to an unnecessary 2nd surgery. Only you can make that NOT happen! Don't beat yourself up, just take it one day at a time.
ReplyDeletei think there may be an element of self sabotage involved and I've done it myself in past weight loss attempts. With the band I've been able to control my urge to binge. I do think for me fear comes in to play - that I don't want to damage the band or myself. And like Tracy & Angie said there are no good and bad foods for me anymore. If I eat a cupcake it's not an excuse to then go eat everything else because I screwed up. I just go on.
ReplyDeleteI do think this is a serious issue and you should definitely address it sooner rather than later. You took such a huge step getting the band, you just need to continue the work. Keep using us as your sounding board.
HUGS!
Yana,
ReplyDeleteI have totally been where you are. The cool part is the although the band won't stop all of what ails you it will sure help. Restriction has pulled me back from binges many times over the last year and a half. I did have to also evaluate what motivated me to want to do those things. My hypothesis is the old groove thing. Our urges are like the groove on a record and we do not feel comfortable unless we are moving in our groove. On my old record I always rewarded my long day at work, accomplishments, loneliness, relaxation, etc. with treat foods. You have only had this band for a short while. give yourself a break but for sure think about what is motivating you and how you can break the habit.
Another thing-what can you do as a treat instead? How much money did you spend? can you figure out some non-foody item that is a treat. I do not think of exercise as a treat (but some people do). Shopping at a book store, reading a book over coffee, a wander around MOMA (or another museum) or people watching over a drink would.
Now changing these habits won't happen over night. it took me a more than a year not to have the urge to go to McDonalds after work on my drive home. 6 months of denying that urge and saying to myself that if I was still hungry I could stop at the next freeway exit...and so on did work. We are all intelligent people and can figure it out if we stop acting mindlessly and start thinking about what we are doing, what is motivating us and spend as much time on this as we did pursuing our other life goals.
Think about the effort you put forth to get your law degree and bass the bar...now think about how much you can do if you spend 1/2 that effort on figuring this out....I know your gonne do great and figure this bump out.
Lets try that last paragraph in English this time!! sheesh I hate my horrible inability to see typos before I hit post!!!
ReplyDeleteThink about the effort you put forth to get your law degree and pass the bar...now think about how much you can do if you spend 1/2 that effort on figuring this out....I know your going do great and figure this bump out.
Good advice from everyone...This is such a hard thing. Many of us were disordered eaters or bingers before the band, and it is really necessary to work out these issues. Because you can still binge with the band, as you have seen.
ReplyDeleteI think that making any food off limits absolutely fuels a binge, so I agree with the idea of building these foods into your days every once in a while, and NOT feeling guilty about it.
Brooke worked in an ED clinic and knows a bunch about this.
This was a big change for me. When I really, truly decided I was not going to diet ever again, and that I could have anything IF I was actually hungry, something clicked for me.
But it is more complicated than this. Binging is an effort to self-medicate, to feed your emotional and spiritual self when it is "undernourished." It helps to go back and think about when you first started overeating. Remember how old you were, where you were, and try to remember how you felt when you ate. Recognize that the feelings you had then were real and legitimate, and that you were just doing the best you could to help yourself. For many of us, using food as a coping mechanism started in childhood.
There are good books to read on the subject -I found it VERY helpful to read and think about these issues in a dedicated sort of way - really giving it some thought.
"Overcoming Overeating" by Jane Hirschmann and Carol Munter is a good one. And "Its Not About Food" by Carol Normandi and Laurelee Roark -- that helped me a great deal. The title says it all - eating disorders (even "minor" binge problems) are never really about food at all.
Meanwhile, I think you are making huge progress by identifying these issues and being honest to yourself. That is the first step.
It will take plenty of soul-searching but I know you will figure this out. You are well on your way!
You so aren't alone! I think many people who end up with weight issues and having the band have problems with food. I always struggled with the idea of not having an "eating disorder," and my therapist mentioned the phrase you used, "disordered eating" and that just perfectly described it for me. The truth is that the band just does not change any of the mental reasons why we eat. I find myself sometimes sabotaging my success. These are extremely complex issues, and I do think therapy is key, so thats unfortunate about your insurance. However, see this link below. She's less expensive than you mention and I highly recommend her! Feel free to mention that I referred you if you'd like. Karen rocks! http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/name/Karen_L_Arthur_LCSW,BCD_New+York_New+York_37045
ReplyDeleteYana, I commend your honestly and soul searching.
ReplyDeleteYou will get there, I am sure of it.
I have also talked to my therapist about eating issues-- and we have talked alot about AA (he is an addiction specialist, even though that is not my particular problem.)
That is why I have the "serenity prayer" on my blog-- and he did mention that there are people who go to AA simply for the SUPPORT.
He is not a big fan of OA either-- their program can be very rough to follow and as we know, you can quit drinking (as in AA) but you can't quit eating. So the OA way-- which tells you to avoid anything that tastes good probably won't work for the band!!
(JUST MY OPINION!)
Maybe try an AA meeting b/c it is free and there is support for 'compulsive/ addictive' type behavior there? I am only saying this BECAUSE my PSYCHIATRIST virtually recommended this to me, if I ever wanted to try it.
Sorry this is so long, but one more thing: I am not in your head, but I'd say it was a simply and pretty un-sinister and un-mysterious 'binge'-- the REWARD seems to make such sense. You finished a great job with the exercise and you went to the cheap and easy reward, your bad best friend: food.
So, instead, perhaps when you set a goal for yourself next time: figure out a meaningful NON-food reward in advance and give it yourself! You are worth it. Make it a priority to give yourself credit and the reward you deserve when you reach even a small goal, like exercising 3 days in a row or whatever. This makes a difference.
Hope this helps.
Hey babes! Catching up with your progress and was really struck by this particular entry. There's something about that sudden realization and the honesty with which you've approached it that makes me think about all those other areas in our lives which our conscience/subconscious strives to conceal. For whatever reason. I've had a few of those epiphany moments in the last few weeks (thanks to you and our chat about creating new and healthy habits!). It's quite surprising when you connect the previously errant dots and are able to see more of the picture which so far has been confusing and vague. I am so incredibly impressed by your efforts and commitment. You've been an inspiration in my own battle. Thank you darling. Miss you. xxxxx
ReplyDeleteYana...I too am impressed by your self reflection and honesty in this blog. I can almost see you thinking and analysing why you do some things and how you can change. I agree with many of the others and think you should try some 'no rules' for a change. I am really enjoying the NO DIET mentality and looking for meals I feel like cooking that are nutritious, filling and will keep me healthy on less food.
ReplyDeleteI used to ban so many ingredients like cream or pasta or other well known high carb or fatty foods. This band is really helping me as I can now eat the things I like but not in a great qty. The other day we were stuck out with no food as I had shared my snack with everyone as they were starving. We stpped at Macca's and I had 1 dipper and just savoured it....I did not feel bad. Why should I???
You can be really hard on yourself at times...try nuturing yourself. Think about spending some of that money that you spend on food on yourself...new makeup, accessries to jazz up your clothes etc etc.
I took a long hard look at myself last week and realised that I needed to cut back on wine ...that I was slipping into old habits and that if I didn't watch it I would be one of those people who lost no weight on the band....I refuse to let that happen.
We believe in you and are here to support you through this as you help us
Take care
GB xxx