Ok. I'm not doing super great, but I haven't eaten pizza, so I guess I'm ok ;)
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO ME!
Really. It's huge. I don't want to talk to most of my friends about it even though they know. I broke down around 10 pm last night, called BF at work, and started crying. He asked me to come meet him, and we sat in the car outside his office for 45 minutes while I cried and snotted. I told him one of my deepest secrets - that I thought if I didn't have this surgery, he wouldn't want to be with me. It had built up in my mind - he's lost 80 lbs already, and will keep losing. And I am pretty much guaranteed to keep gaining if I don't do this. It isn't a question of attraction, I just kept thinking that he would want someone who can keep up with the person he is becoming. Who likes long walks, and hiking, and wants to be active. Someone who wants to have kids - my fertility is hugely affected by my weight, and I'm sure I couldn't get pregnant at my current weight. So I told him. And he told me that he loves me, that I shouldn't do it for him, that he wants to be with me whether or not I have the surgery. Which was what I needed to hear. I still kinda think that I am right, but it makes me feel better.
Haven't lost any weight today either. While I am sure that is cause I didn't drink enough water yesterday, and that probably means I will have a dramatic loss tomorrow, it is discouraging!
I think yesterday was just a perfect storm...I realized that due to my bronchitis, my surgery might be postpones, and I won't know it until I am at the hospital ready for surgery on Tuesday morning. And another week of this - I am not going to say I can't do this, because I know I can, but I REALLY REALLY don't want to.
On top of that, I lost a client who was going to pay off 2/3 of my consumer debt. At least it was because she went nuts, vs. I failed at anything - that is frustrating. I was so good to her, so good with my customer service, my updates, etc...and she won't let me finish the work so I can get paid. Oh well. It will be a learning experience, I suppose. Of how to make clients pay up front.
AND I've had a very frustrating time with the computer yesterday- I am trying to set up websites for my law practice and for my side project, a gluten-free consulting program - I'm not gluten-free but my brother has celiac disease, so I've learned a ton!
So far I have had two egg whites, one pre-mixed shake, and half serving of a poawdered one...trying to do the shakes regularly. While they don't disgust me, I don't think, hey, I'd like a shake now...and that's part of my problem. I want everything to be yummy. I would like to think of food more as fuel...no, that's not really true, I still want to enjoy and be interested in food. I'd love to make a career of it - the gluten-free consulting is a sort of spring board to see if I can...I dunno...BOTTOM LINE: trying to eat/drink consistently.
Another half serve of powdered shake, a cup of chicken broth, and some spinach I "sauteed" in a big wok. I got it really hot, gave it a little spritz of cooking spray, threw in chopped garlic and ginger, stirred it around, threw in some baby spinach, some soy sauce, and stirred...when it was about to burn but not quite, I added a little chicken stock and kept stirring. Added a spoonful of garlic-chili sauce and a little squeeze of lemon. YUM!!!
Can your blood sugar _be_ if you don't eat any carbs? Curious...;)
Getting a lap-band to be healthy and even more gorgeous ;)
Getting a lap-band so as not to let weight decide what I do and how I live my life.
I am glad you were able to talk to your BF last night. Those fears are there and they don't just go away b/c you want them too. I am sure that it helps to just be able to open yourself to someone - and cry on their shoulder.
ReplyDeleteI understand what you feel to an extent. I have PCOS which is made worse by my weight and I know that I wouldn't be able to conceive unless I lose weight (and then who knows). I always held back from getting really serious with someone b/c I felt like even if I my weight didn't matter how would they handle not being able to have kids... I know many people do, but the fear holds me back.
Even though I didn't do the surgery for that reason and I know my fears are not just because I am heavy it is something that I know will change after I lose weight and start gaining that peice of myself that I have overlooked for so long.
I realized last night that you are getting banded on my first fill. I will send good thoughts to you every time I think of my appointment - which seems to be several times a day!
Also yes you can get low blood sugar from having low carbs - especially if you skip meals. Plus your shakes probably have some carbs (I hope since you need some for energy). I had to take extra care during my pre and post op diet because I am prone to low blood sugar. The biggest "trick" for me was to eat small meals spaced through the day. Which is great since my regular band diet will be that way!
Your boyfriend is right, you need to hve the surgery for you. It's such a big decision and life change that it's got to be taken on becauase you want to do it. He sounds like he is and will continue to be a great support for you! I'm right there with you on the protein shakes...I hate them. But hang in there, it won't last forever!
ReplyDeleteSO glad you were able to have that convo- I have been married since the dinosaurs roamed the earth and I am always pleasantly surprised when I tell my DH how I am feeling, we hash it out and I get some relief.
ReplyDeleteI am no doctorb, (have to make simposn's references- sorry!) but what I think may be happening is that in addition to dealing with low level hypoglycemia brought on by a lowered amount of calories which is crashing your blood sugar, you're struggling with carb withdrawl too. Which sucks! Maybe a little banana might help- say mid afternoon? (Don't want to offer bad advice depending on your pre-op diet tho, so ignore if this goes against what you've been told!)
In any case, you're doing great. I know that sounds like, "wha?" But seriously. You're doing it. You're going through all the emotions and you're putting it out there and sharing all your ups and downs. And it helps. I go to a support group in person 1x a month, the ladies there are also doing great, but, they're weight loss and general sense of "confidence" with the band is nothing like what we have online.
You are having to deal with pre-surgery jitters and the really long pre-op diet. I would be a little mental too(I was in fact, with no diet). I'm sure not knowing if you are having surgery Tuesday is also much more stressful than you think.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing great and your bf sounds like a good guy. Listen to him. ;)
What a sweet BF you have! Marry that guy!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are in a really tough place, but you know I heart the band, so all I can do is encourage you even more to be at peace with your decision. You can get through it!
BTW I just got the book in the mail, thank you!!!!!! I did not have time to look through it yet, but it seems great. Also, I sent your exercise pants this morning. So sorry for the delay!
Hope you are feeling better.
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteYou are doing a great job! The hills and valleys on your roller coaster will get smaller and smaller after you have surgery and with more and more weightloss you will feel better. You are showing great stamina with this diet. It will soon pass and you will be back to real food where you will be able to pick the good stuff from the bad. Breathe :)
Your boyfriend sounds like a keeper. Although I do not think you should do this just for him I think you have a valid extra push to do this so you can have the stamina to keep up with him. I have felt the same many times in my life. My husband climbed cathedrals while I sat on the bench in the town square. This band has made it possible for me to climb the next time with him. That is good for me, for him and for us. If you ever want a boost from an old timer just drop me a comment or email. I will also keep reading :)
Tina