Self-medication with food - which of us hasn't done that? I used to do it all the time. Eating, especially to the stuffed and disgusting point was a great way of passing out. Ignoring problems. Not thinking about things that felt beyond my control. It was in my control to order Chinese food or cook an entire box of pasta or get bags of frozen french fries and hero sandwiches and boxes of cupcakes...I think you get the drill. Self-medicating.
I've been having a VERY hard time at work. It's hard, no ifs ands or buts about it. I don't mesh well with my boss, I have to conduct business in another language 90% of the time, many clients are very demanding, and I don't have enough time in my work day to finish everything. So I don't, because I want to have a work life balance and quite frankly, he's not paying me so much that I want to burn the midnight oil every night. I end up staying 2 hours late a few times a week anyway.
My boss is quite bi-polar and one minute he is complementing me (seldom) and at least once a week I get a nasty email, where he is shocked that I can't handle things/stay on top of things/know everything/research everything instantly. And sometimes I'm supposed to handle things without bothering him and hand-holding, but then I always do everything wrong when I make calls on my own. And the resources are slight. The other day i spent 1.5 hours as the receptionist. There is nothing wrong with that, except I have my own work I need to do, and I couldn't do it while answering phones and taking appointments. I mentioned something to our practice manager. Don't know if that will do anything, but who knows. They removed one of my responsibilities, which I am not really sure was mine in the first place. I think it's great, because it's one less thing I have to do, and my coworker can do it much faster than I can. I have lots of other responsibilities she doesn't have. But part of me is worried - they are taking away responsibilities - they think I can't manage. But I can't manage, they are throwing everything and the kitchen sink onto me...
I know I am going in circles, and I eventually come to the WLS component of this post - I want to self medicate with food, but I am too tight.
I stopped at the store on the way home, bought a 2 pack of Reese's peanut butter cups, a bag of milk chocolate raspberry candy - a favorite combo, and a small box of Cheezits. So, my binges are getting smaller in my mind's eye, to start with. I angrily had a Reese's on the subway platform, and fell super full! A while later, a handful of Cheezits made me breath long and slow and swallow some saliva. The choc/raspberry candies sucked- I only had one. Damn it! I wanted a binge of food and self medication!
I also have pretty much stopped with any other self medication, because it makes me eat mindlessly. Last weekend, when I got a bit lit with friends after three cocktails, I ate the biggest meal I've had in weeks, and accordingly gained 4.5 lbs by Monday. Still haven't lost them.
I will self medicate with reality television, and probably choke down another handful of Cheezits and the other peanut butter cup. That is all.
Getting a lap-band to be healthy and even more gorgeous ;)
Getting a lap-band so as not to let weight decide what I do and how I live my life.
I hear you on this one! I'm totally there with you, except i might not be as tight as you as i find ways to get the food down. I think i get a bit of a thrill from the buying too unfortunately. To me, this process is about dealing with this issue right here. You're on the right path and you aren't alone!
ReplyDeleteOk...so this is a learning moment--you know it is self-medicating and believe me I did it and even still do it occasionally but...what else can you do instead of eating? What are other activities you can do that make you feel calm and happy?
ReplyDeleteI have sometimes been able to ride my bike or knit to replace my desire to eat myself to that happy place that was once my food coma zone. the bike riding comes close to getting me the endorphins. The knitting is just something that I really like to do that I didn't used to prioritize.
This is a topic I still work on...it is funny how you can read another persons post and know exactly what they need to do but not fully see it in yourself until you see it for them :) Thanks Yana...
I know exactly what you are going through. Reese's is my preferred binge tonic, though I managed to get way too many of the small pb cups down my gullet the other night. Food induced sugar comas are my knee jerk reaction to stress and not being able to use these old tricks really leaves me feeling raw.
ReplyDeleteJust hope it helps to know you're not alone and tomorrow is another change to make better choices.
Timely post for me. I'm under a huge amount of stress right now, and I so desperately wanted to binge today. I couldn't even think of something I could get down, other than a sundae, and I was too lazy to go get one. It's frustrating to not be able to eat through the stress at the time. But I worked through it by driving around with my windows down and the music cranked and sang my lungs out while the people around me stared and covered the ears and young babies cried. :) Within a few minutes, the urge to binge had passed. And I am happy to say I didn't binge. Not to say I won't try to the next time, but one victory under my belt.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. You are really doing fantastic. I admire how you are working through it, and by sharing, you are helping me to recognize these same behaviors in myself.
I can so identify, I hope things get better at work.
ReplyDeleteOh Yana, I feel so bad for you. I know the bingeing and want the band help me control that. We always go back to what made us feel good. I remember in your earlier posts that you were exercising a lot. Do you still do that?
ReplyDeleteNew jobs can be a real pain but you can figure it out. It hasn't been that long. But all the good work you are doing will lay the ground for maybe a better job. Chin up. You have our support here. And a drink or two is nice too.
I have definitely self medicated myself with food. Then the friggin guilt sets in and you feel horrible. There will be bumps along the road. You need to throw all the crap away and start a new day...clean and fresh! You can do it!
ReplyDeleteI think there comes a time when you realize: food can no longer be my drug. Those days are over -- they have to be over.
ReplyDeleteThis is really hard, hard! But its almost like we have to say goodbye -- to mourn the loss of our old faithful friend, The Binge.
Say goodbye. Do not buy any more Cheezits or Reeses. You do not need them. You are a strong person and you CAN handle your feelings without food. Treat yourself with a nice square of dark chocolate, and savor it.
You deserve better than angrily choking down cheap chocolate and Cheezits. Be kind to yourself. Instead of buying junk food, get yourself some fabulous, luxurious pjs to wear when you get home. Get in bed, cover yourself with the softest blanket you can find, have a cup of tea, and spoil yourself by reading or watching TV or whatever. Treat yourself like a queen -- without eating junk. You deserve it!