NSV's, Bogota, and a whole LOT of self reflection

You know this is a serious post, because I made the switch over to word to type and edit it before I posted it here.

There's gonna be some real deep sh*t in here, so if you can bear me ramble a little bit, I'll get to the stuff that I hope is worth reading. Or at the very least, is very important for me to write down and be able to go back to later.

I had a great weekend in Bogota. I saw lots of different parts of the city, tasted some traditional Columbian foods (but never overindulged – although I did have two  quick PB's over eating some papaya too fast after getting off the plane super hungry and on a rubbery fried egg at a very early breakfast), saw beautiful modern and colonial architecture, hung out with some Bogotanos, celebrated at a beautiful wedding and got to spend time with a very good friend that I had drifted apart from a little bit. And I got hit on a bit, by some very cute Columbians, which was a nice boost. One especially nice thing was how good I felt in my dress at the wedding (pics to come). There were a lot of weight loss related things, starting from how much more comfortable the flight was, how my ass fit well into all the chairs and booths at all the bars and cafes we went too. How I had a super breakthrough where I didn't indulge in the habit of mindless local fast food tasting (a weird thing that I do, I mean did). Also, I had not gotten stockings to wear to the wedding, so I sought out the (super matronly!) plus size store in the mall, but when they didn't have stockings, she sent me to a local lingerie store where I was perfectly comfortable in the XL size of stay up stockings.

Really, what it came down to is that I didn't feel like a fat girl anymore. Or that it wasn't my singular identity. I was probably the biggest girl most of the time, but I felt like I had other identities besides my size. I was a New Yorker in Columbia, I was able to get into a bright (and tight, hopefully in a good way, again, we are still waiting on the pictures!) dress and dance and talk and not worry that people were looking at a fat girl. At least 80, no, 90 percent of the time. I just felt like a person!

My friend J was my travel companion on this trip, she is great friends with the bride and actually introduced her to the groom. She had asked me to go as her "date" as she didn't want to travel alone, and I am also a friend of the couple. We had a great time, and I found her to be an excellent travel partner.

It's funny, because she was one of the people that I had absolutely lied to about getting the band, even after I started to lose weight. She herself is quite slender, exercises and stays away from processed carbs as a health issue, not for weight loss. And in the past, when I was at my heaviest she always suggested walking and I never wanted to be the fat girl who didn't want to walk. I never said anything, but  I was always so angry when she would suggest walking home 60 blocks and my knees hurt and my back hurt and my thighs were rubbing together and I just wanted a taxi sooooo badly. I finally told her, and I felt somehow judged. That she had never struggled with this, and just suggesting more exercise and less food was insulting. Of course it works, but if I could do it, then I would have. And I had tried over and over and over again. About a month ago I told her about the band, and she was super supportive. Which was nice. She was really concerned when I got stuck and PB's on the papaya the first morning, but I just told her the truth (lite), that I needed to eat slower and I didn't and my band smacked me on the wrist. I did lie about my second PB about the egg, and told her I had just needed to burp, not that the egg came up…I didn't want to gross her out.

ANYWAY, we are almost at the deep and meaningful realizations about life and the band and weight loss and personhood and confidence and determination and all my personal failings that I have been working on.

 

So, our last day in Bogota, yesterday, to be exact, we spent first going up the huge mountain to the church that overlooks the city:

 

And the rest of the day exploring the colonial center. How cool is that!?!?! I have never been in a place like that before!

 

Coming down from the mountain to explore the city, she told me she had taken a Landmark Forum seminar. I have had other friends take this class/seminar, and I have mixed feelings about it – I hope I do not insult anyone who is a huge proponent, I would actually be very open to hearing your opinions, but basically I like the ideas the teach but am so hugely turned off by the sales pitch that I won't do it.

And we started talking about some personal growth things. We are very similar in some ways, and were really relating to how the other was feeling. I am not going to share what she said, because that is personal even in bloggy land, but here's what I came up with:

I was always concerned about other's people narrative about me. I KNEW they were thinking, here comes the fat and lazy girl. So I never tried to prove them wrong, because that would mean that I cared about what they thought. And I didn't want to!

J told me about a concept she learned in her seminar, which is not only that people aren't thinking about how X you are, but they are spending their efforts worrying about how X you think they are! If that makes sense…! I loved this idea.

Here is another idea that I loved, that I just took off the website:

We suggest that it is a human tendency to collapse what happened; with the story we tell about what happened. This collapsing happens so fast it becomes hard to separate the two, and we think of them as one and the same. Almost immediately, and certainly over time, the story we tell ourselves becomes the way it is – the reality we know. It limits what is possible in our lives, robbing us of much of our joy and effectiveness.

When we are able to separate what happened from our story or interpretation, we discover that much of what we considered already determined, given and fixed, may in fact not be that way. Situations that may have been challenging or difficult become fluid and open to change. We find ourselves no longer limited by a finite set of options, and able to achieve what we want with new ease and enjoyment.

I feel like I had told myself a story: I am a fat person. I am not a successful person. People do not respect me professionally and I can't have a solid career. I am afraid of failure, therefore I will not try anything that will be difficult because I could fail, and then everyone would know I am a failure. I was a person that didn't like discomfort or stress, so I would avoid it, not matter what. I preferred to be numb, and had a variety of ways to keep me that way, from overindulging in tv, reading obsessively, food, etc.

It kept me from losing weight and getting healthy. It kept me from moving forward and growing in my career. It kept me from pushing myself to do things that didn't come easily. It kept me from moving out of my own comfort zone, and because of that, none of the things that I didn't like about my life changed.

I am scared to say this, because I don't know that it is good to depend on one person so much, but sometimes I think meeting E saved my life. I liked him so much, I wanted to be a person he could be proud of and respect. I stopped with the numbing activities. I chose to have weight lose surgery. I sent out resumes for career track jobs while I had been either underemployed or treading water for the past 5 years. And when the job was REALLY hard and stressful and I cried every day, I didn't quit, but learned to let nasty comments roll off me while I concentrate on learning new things and taking on private clients. I started to be able to start saving some money toward a down payment on a house, and may actually buy one in New York City!

He constantly supported me, listened to me, never told me to stop whining or tuned me out. He helped me problem solved and called me on my bullshit. He encouraged me, told me I could accomplish things I was scared of, that it was ok to be scared, that is how we learn and grow by trying to do things that are scary. What an amazing person, I have to say. I am so lucky to have him, because I don't know if I could have done it on my own. My life has changed so much in the past year, and it has been about a year since I seriously decided about getting the band.

I've stopped trying to make myself seem smaller by holding my arms in to my torso. I am no longer afraid to eat something delicious in public if I choose too. I can walk a lot more without being tired but I am also not worried about saying, "hey, climbing all those flights at a super high altitude just made me lightheaded", (and my fit and thin friend was too).

I am ready to hit restart on my band – I haven't really lost any weight in two months, and while I feel super about the way I feel now, I think I will feel even better when I use this amazing tool to lose more weight.

 

PS – I was dancing up a storm at the wedding, and noticed this guy kept looking at me, and kept dancing next to me, but he never talked to me and I didn't think much of it. Thought maybe he liked my butt, or maybe he thought I should have kept it under wraps. Didn't worry too much. We ran into him at the library

 

the next day, and he kept staring at me while speaking to me and J. I was uncertain what was going on – this sounds terrible, but I haven't had such a, well there is no other word for it, completely superficially hot (the kind of guy that you like from across the room) guy focus on me in a VERY long time. I really didn't know if he was horrified or stricken. I kinda figured it out when he insisted on getting my contact info and gave me his, then took J's as an afterthought. He invited me out for a drink that night but a) he has no chance against my amazing E & 2) although I might have gone with a group of people, we were leaving town that night. AND, J confirmed he was smitten. The funny thing is I totally didn't get it until it was shoved into my face!