I've had radio silence, for a few reasons...
1. I haven't been very good at any of my new year resolutions
2. I had an injury and can't really exercise right now
3. I am so frustrated by my job and my moonlighting and stressed; i need to finish projects and get a new job - I did send out two resumes today. and am working on getting stuff under control. partly by taking xanax, but whatever.
4. the house stuff is still no good. maybe it will be good soon. maybe. or maybe we'll spend a lot more money.
5. I am so overwhelmed with all the babies everywhere. So many of my friends and relatives have babies or are pregnant...and I am not even allowed to start trying. I suspect it will be hard, because I have PCOS, but E doesn't even want to start trying. He says that we aren't ready, that I wanted to lose more weight first - I've lost over 60lbs, but I need another 60 to go and I have lost about 5 lbs in the past 6 months. He said I TOLD HIM that I was doing lap band to resolve the PCOS and make it easier to get pregnant. He doesn't understand that it doesn't always resolve it, and sometimes thin women have PCOS and even if it does get better, it will still be hard and I will probably need glucophage and injections and clomid and all this crap - and I hate having to remind him that I am going to be 34 next month and we should start NOW, it might take 2 years to actually happen...
I'm crying now, and I rarely cry when I write on here - I am usually pretty together. I had another break down this morning because another friend announced his baby on facebook,
And he gets upset because he thinks I am attacking him or taking potshots... but I'm not, I hold it back all the time but sometimes it busts out. And he feels like I am haranguing him.
And this morning I couldn't hold back and said, fine, if we are going to try for a baby in a year, then there are certain things that have to happen before then (for me, I would like to be married; i didn't think it would matter, but it does) and then he got a little angry and told me it would happen.
And he made me tell him the story about the dimple above the upper lip - it's a story from Jewish sages, that I told him years ago. That before you are born, your soul is in heaven with god, and god tells you who is your other half. Then he hits you on the mouth knocking that information out of your head and sends you out into the world...then E said I was his other half and he was mine and it would all happen and I had to be patient. And I am trying but I am going insane!
And I can't keep thinking that he is waiting for me to lose more weight to propose and to have a baby and I don't know if I have it in me. I have liberated myself. I can shop where I want, I can look comfortable, feel good, not stick out. I can run up stairs and do bikram yoga. I still weigh 218 lbs. I want to lose more but I don't need to. But I feel like he needs me to, to follow through...and I am scared I can't or won't. It's become the same old struggle as before, if you lose the weight then he will love you...
Friends, tell me I am being stupid. Tell me something because I can't see the screen through my tears.
Getting a lap-band to be healthy and even more gorgeous ;)
Getting a lap-band so as not to let weight decide what I do and how I live my life.
awww hun, I am feeling for you right. I just signed onto G-Chat hoping to find you on and help cheer you up a little. Hang in there, you know E loves you no matter what your size is. Sometimes boys just need to figure things out for themselves even though they know the answer they like to think they thought of it themselves. Please, please, please dry those eyes- you guys will make it and everything will work out as planned. E-mail me later if you want to vent/chat! xxoo
ReplyDeleteFeel better Yana...the waiting game is a tough one and our hormones are evil things (both in messing with our emotions, making us want babies now and stalling our weightloss)....It took me years and years to recognize that my hormones had such an impact on my everyday living but now seeing it..helps me get through it.
ReplyDeleteRemember-that follow through thing be it weight loss, work, getting a better job, house all of it is practice for the biggest follow-up game of all...a fully raised adult child. thinking of all of these events as practice runs might provide some help in your waiting game.
xxxooo
i dont know if your are already but why dont the two of you go for counseling together? it seems like your boyfriend wants to wait until everything is perfect in your lives before you have a baby. but if we all waited for that, some would wait forever. a house, a better job, weigh less etc. there will always be something else that you want to improve once those goals are met to continue to make your life a little more perfect. you two should agree on when you are going to start to try and have a baby. and maybe you both need some guidance as to how to come to that decision.
ReplyDeleteSorry you are feeling so sad--I think Lori is right, counseling could really help you guys possibly sort things out... if you want a referral, I could give you one b/c my in-laws are marriage and family therapists. I honestly don't even know their rates, but they are very good with helpful advice and maybe even a session or two would help you guys get on track with collaborating on your next steps?
ReplyDeleteLet me know if you want their number, they see couples at their office in midtown!
Whatever the case -- I am not here to advertise them, I hope you feel better soon, you deserve the best.
I know exactly that feeling of thinking you need to be thinner for them to truly love you and take it to the next level. That's how I am feeling right now, too. Hang in there. You're doing great. It will all happen for you....just the way it's suppose to. We always want everything to be clear cut and in our timeframes.....but things happen in their own time just the way they are meant to be.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Keep blogging because we are all here for you!!