Bandiversary and a Big Disappointment

I've been silent in blog land, and as we all know, that usually means nothing great to report.

I've had my one year bandiversary last week. I've lost about 60 lbs from the beginning of this journey. I also got a raise that was over 10% of my current salary and we finally got approval for our mortgage.

Of course, I also spent a lot of time miserable. Several reasons:

1. I've only lost 60 lbs. (I know how redic that sounds, and even if I never lost another ounce I would gladly pay cash for this band, twice over) 60 lbs is a huge amount and an amazing accomplishment. It has dramatically changed my life. But, of course I am disappointed because I didn't lose more. More than that, I am disappointed that I basically stopped losing weight after the first 6 months.

2. While I got a large raise percentage wise, I came up to the original salary I had negotated for when I started, but was then told I had to spend one month on a lower salary before I got up to speed. And my boss made sure I never succeeded, so this way he gets to be gracious and give me a raise, but it was what I had asked for and bargained for 10 months ago. Also, no paid time off. None. No sick days, no snow days, no labor day of 4th of July. No vacation. When I tried to negotiate for it, he doesn't believe in it. As soon as we close on the house, I am looking for a new job.

3. The house was up in the air. The lender kept asking for more and more documentation and I thought we might not get the loan. Now I am terrified that this house will be a huge money pit, that it will never really look nice, the way I want it to look and I will never be able to go on another vacation or buy anything else because all money will have to go toward the renovation, etc.

I guess part of my general fussiness is money related. I know I am a lucky girl; I have a job, I am buying a home, etc. The problem is that I am always worried there isn't enough. Not enough to stop spending it (I don't spend too much, but I spend more than the bare minimum and I am aware of that) but I worry. Same as food; I don't eat insanely, but more calories than I should and I worry about it but apparently not enough to slow my roll. Same as exercise; I wish I did it, I start doing it, I love it and feel amazing, but it's not enough to keep me going.

It's the same with work; I still have a few outstanding old cases and they are not completely done - and it drives me insane, and I won't make plans so I can stay home and do the work, but then I won't do it.

And all of these things add up to the weight loss failure - I want it, and I start it, I think about it but I am lazy. I slack. I slide. The band prevents me from gaining weight, which is amazing, but I can't get my weight below 220 lbs and a size 16 - by the way - is anyone else a size 16 at 5'4" and 220 lbs?

So I need to do some thinking. Figure out what is tripping me up. I would like to see a therapist, but I don't know how to find someone that works with me - I always outshrink shrinks.

I have this idea that I always think about: Live the life you want to have.
 I need to think about how to do this properly.

OK. I'm going to get on this. I feel like I 'fessed up and am now ready to move on.