One of these things is not like the other, one of these things is not quite the same:
In the month of April, I quit my hated job and started a new one, with better pay, benefits and opportunities. So far, ending week 4 tomorrow, I really like it.
We bought a house! I can't believe someone let me buy a house in New York City. With a yard! And not that far from Manhattan! I'll post some pics soon.
I've gained about 10-15 lbs.
Uh-oh. That's the bad one. Since I had a large unfill of 1 cc last month, I've been slowly and steadily gaining weight. I am eating like old Me. Just because it's there. Just because it tastes good. Not because I'm hungry, but because I can. Willfully ignoring calorie counts...NOT GOOD.
I went in for a fill with Dr K 3 weeks ago, and she gave me .4 ccs. Absolutely no restriction. It's not like I have nothing in the band, I have at least 7 ccs, but I have no restriction. I do know that I eat less than old Yana, but still more than I have in a year and a half. There are NO off limit foods. While I have observed that I eat slower and chew better than I used to, and the overall amount I eat is not as much as pre-surgery, I don't know what happened. It's scary how much I depended on my band and how little will power I have.
I have another appointment with Dr. K two weeks from tomorrow. I tried to get something earlier, but didn't work out. Being able to eat is not a panic, but it is. I was so proud of my progress and it stopped and reversed. I feel like a failure. The new work clothes I bought a month ago are tight. My fingers and feet feel like sausages. Forget about stuff I bought knowing it was too small but knowing it would fit soon...
I think I shouldn't beat myself up too much. That I've had an incredibly big month filled with business and stress and new beginnings and sweet baby jeebus I BOUGHT A HOUSE! Two years ago, hell, 18 months ago I weighed almost 300 lbs, wore a size 22, was unemployed/underemployed, could barely barely make the minimum payments on my maxed out credit cards, had a terrible credit score...the only thing I had going for me was E!
And today that has changed - I got out of debt, repaired my credit, bought a house, am in my second career boosting job at a place I actually like, can shop in the misses dept and buy size 16 pants (or I could a month ago!).
And I gain 15 lbs and feel like the world is ending and I am completely out of control. Probably because I suspect I will go downstairs after I post this and get a junky lunch. Of course my new definition of junky is not a greek yogurt ;). It kinda freaks me out that being able to eat freaks me out.
I'll get a fill and more forward, repair the damage and loose some more. But what if something happens and I loose my band? It could happen. It could and it has to some bloggers. I need to think very seriously about exercise and how to incorporate it, because 1) when I exercise I want to eat better and 2) I think if I had a few sessions of vigorous exercise a week I wouldn't have been gaining all this weight. I've averaged about 2 lbs a week, which is an extra 7000 calories, 1000 per day - offset that by 500 calories of exercise a day and 500 cal of motivation not to eat junk and...
Yesterday's food:
I was totally hung over from celebrating the closing on Tuesday night
1. coconut water
2. tropicana oj
3. nesquick chocolate milk
4. 2/3 scooped out bagel with cream cheese
5. corned beef on rye
6. square potato knish
7. 4 large pieces of easter candy from the gourmet chocolate shop
8.2 glasses white wine
9. mini crab cake, 2 spoons of tuna with wasabi foam, 2 sundried tomato madelines with pesto, about 7 crackers with cheese and quince paste, 8 almonds, few radishes dipped in humus - work cocktail party.
I did not eat what I wanted, which were these perfectly rare lamb chops that were on the bone - it was very social and I could not go to town on something like that!
Today I had a grande chai latte, a scooped bagel with cream cheese, lunch to be determined, and dinner will be some fish and veggies.
Getting a lap-band to be healthy and even more gorgeous ;)
Getting a lap-band so as not to let weight decide what I do and how I live my life.
LOL I read your food tally as "8.2 glasses white wine." Sounds great!
ReplyDeleteStress does this to all of us, to some extent anyway. Buying a house and starting a new job is right up there with the World's Biggest Stressors. So just get back on it and do what you need to do.
I worry about losing the band too. I am 100% sure I would get another WLS because I know for a fact I would gain it all back without the band.
Exercise, in my opinion, is absolutely essential. For its mental benefits If for no other reason!
It is counter productive to have guilt or shame when it comes to food. For me it only puts me into more of a downward spiral, guilt followed by guilt releving food, back and forth. You've had a huge month, forgive and move on. I have found that moving into a new space can be a great way to really start over food wise. Use your new kitchen as a starting over place. Good luck and good ridance to the things that need to go!
ReplyDeleteCONGRATS ON THE HOUSE!!!! Can't wait to hear more about that, and so glad it all finally worked out.
ReplyDeleteI could have written this "Since I had a large unfill of 1 cc last month, I've been slowly and steadily gaining weight. I am eating like old Me. Just because it's there. Just because it tastes good. Not because I'm hungry, but because I can. Willfully ignoring calorie counts...NOT GOOD."
I've been doing the exact same thing. I got a fill today , and am hoping to nip this shit in the bud.
Congratulations on the house!! That is amazing.
ReplyDeleteOn the weight, I agree -- don't beat yourself up about it, but DO something about it, since it's bothering you. You can turn this around right now if you want to.
I think you might really benefit from seeing a nutritionist for a while. There are many days where you write that you've eaten things like chocolate and/or ice cream and fried food and heavy carbs -- all in one day. Even if you only eat a little bit of each, that clearly is not working for you, since the scale stopped moving in the right direction a while ago. (I don't mean that in a harsh way -- just factually. It's not like I'm so freaking perfect. My scale is up 6 pounds today from my lowest..)
My thought is that if you had someone to help you understand what you should be eating, to look at your food diary and make workable suggestions, that it might get you more focused and back on that great path you started on. I really want to see you succeed here, and I know that you can do it if you set your mind to it. Look at how much you've accomplished this past year already. :)
I agree with all of the above and most importantly: do not give up.
ReplyDeleteYes: stress can be a major trigger for all of us who have used food as a soother for many years.
I especially agree with Catherine-- and there is a nutritionist right in Dr. K's office... so ask to consult with her while you're there, that's easy to do, right?
My observation of something you might be able to change that could help skim off some calories: quit drinking the liquid calories. Orange juice and chocolate milk are pretty much concentrated sugar that go right down and do nothing to satisfy you.
Hope this helps a bit, and start posting regularly again, if you can. It helps keep you out of a denial phase (you in the general sense, not just you, Yana.)
:-)
congratulations on all you have accomplished! dont let the minor setbacks rain on your parade. you've acknowledged them, now just fix them.
ReplyDeleteIt's all perspective. I would LOVE to be where you are right now. I can't imagine owning a home, i'm unemployed :( and am at the weight where i started when i had surgery. PLUS my credit is crap. But I dont feel like a failure. I'm just on a certain path. Keep your perspective on what you want and where you want to be. As you can see with everything YOU HAVE accomplished, it IS POSSIBLE! You just have to stay COMMITTED!!
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